Chazz Princeton: Ramblings of a Suicidal Emo–goth
by Michelle H. C. Zhu
Summary: The Chazz commentaries on his daily life, the duels he participated in, Jaden's stupidity, Alexis's body, Syrus's midgetness, Zane's J–rock metro look, Bastion's brains, and all that other good stuff. But mostly Jaden's stupidity. [Dub-verse]
1. Entries One to Twenty–three

**Entry One— **

If I see another Elemental Hero, I'll shoot myself in the head. Seriously.

WHAT IS WITH HIS MONSTERS?

How does this guy win with a 1600 ATK beatstick, I do know not. I wonder where he got such lame cards like that. He must have pulled a fast one on a bartender.

His Burstinatrix looks like she has something between her legs.

And Crowler says MY pants are too tight.

**Entry Two— **

Ok, that's it. I'm stopping the duel right now and slapping this moron with my duel disk.

I'll get YOUR game on.

**Entry Three— **

Gah. Death glares don't work on him. Now that slacker's attempting to give me a 'pep talk.'

"_Come on, Chazz! You'll never win if you don't start having fun with dueling! It doesn't matter if you lose or not…just as long as you're having a good time!"_

Take an after-pill, Joseph. You don't want Alexis to bear your babies with those kinds of thoughts.

"_It's Jaden…"_

Darn. Am I talking out loud again?

"_Yes. And your brothers are looking at you strangely."_

Don't worry about that. They just want to rape me.

**Entry Four— **

"_And now by fusing my Elemental Hero Avian and Burstinatrix, I can summon—"_

…wait for it…wait for it…

"—_my Elemental Hero Flame Wingman!"_

MY GAWD. Is there a single duel this guy plays that doesn't involve his Christmas tree?

**Entry Five— **

I'm not talking about his penis.

**Entry Six— **

Another thing. How can the fusion of a guy and a chick end up as a muscular dude with a rooster head and four-pack?

**Entry Seven— **

"_Now for every Hero Kid that's in my graveyard, your Armed Dragon loses 400 attack points!"_

Damn. Slade is never going to leave my ass alone after this.

**Entry Eight— **

I mean that in literal terms.

**Entry Nine— **

Stupid Slifer slacker just won the duel. Where's a portable SUV when you need one? At least a pogo stick?

…I think I stepped in gum. I can't run away now.

Shoot.

**Entry Ten— **

"_You're no brother of ours!"_

Oww…stop hurting me, Slade! All you're doing is increasing the sexual tension in the room!

"_Let him go!"_

Huh? How in the world did the whole peanut gallery suddenly walk onto the arena within 37.1 seconds after the duel ended? Wasn't Alexis sitting in the third row?

**Entry Eleven— **

Not that I was…uh…looking. Not at all, no SIR-EE.

**Entry Twelve— **

"_I know this sounds cheesy, but I think everybody won here."_

Every time I hear Jaden talk, I wonder where natural selection went wrong.

**Entry Thirteen— **

"_Shout the cheer one more time!"_

GOD. PLEASE. NO.

**Entry Fourteen— **

Note to self: Hire a gun assassin within the next two days to take out Jaden Yuki. The Yellow Pages does wonders.

**Entry Fifteen— **

"_Chazz it up! Chazz it up!"_

YOU SCREAM THAT AGAIN, AND I'LL KILL YOU ALL!

**Entry Sixteen— **

…they're not listening are they? Drat.

Hey Jagger, I know I lost the duel but can I go home with you in the helicopter, big bro? I want to make a quick stop by North Korea and speak with a guy named Kim Jong II.

**Entry Seventeen— **

Oh, you don't approve nuclear weapons? Well I can't just STAB everybody in the room. There's too many of them! And whatever happened to world domination?

Don't make me do the puppy-lip pout.

**Entry Eighteen— **

"_I don't have time for this garbage! I'm leaving!"_

You guys suck. I hope you both get eaten by mutilated rabbits.

**Entry Nineteen— **

That's a CHICK?

**Entry Twenty— **

"_Are you sure you won't come back with us, Chazz?"_

Ask that again and I'll sink the submarine. North Academy is full of guys with funky German accents who all want to bed me. I might lose my virginity before my next birthday.

**Entry Twenty-one— **

Well, if it's to ALEXIS, that's a whole other story…

**Entry Twenty-two— **

Wait, what? I'm in Slifer Red?

…

COME BACKKKK! I WANT TO BE IN A SCHOOL FULL OF EUROPEAN SEX-ADDICTSSS!

**Entry Twenty-three— **

Jaden! Stop groping my ass!


	2. Entries Twenty–four to Thirty–seven

**Entry Twenty-four—**

Jesus! Ever since I returned back to this hellhole, random people have been worried about me like…like…I'm some suicidal cutting teenager that just escaped from the local mental asylum! I'M NOT INSANE, I TELL YOU.

"_Uh…Chazz. You're talking to yourself again."_

Shut up, slacker! Don't make me take out the ice!

**Entry Twenty-five—**

Stupid bunk beds are so stiff and hard. What happened to the silk and after-dinner mints? Man, I'm never going to get used to the Slifer life here.

"_Hey boss, I know it's eleven-thirty but have I ever told you how much I love you?"_

…alright. Where's my Ambien? There's no way I'm getting through this night without a good dose of sleeping pills.

**Entry Twenty-six—**

It looks like Zane's brother saw me popping one in the bathroom again. Aww…darn. I should prepare myself for an extensive whining session. Better get the Kleenex box while I'm at it. I don't want my best trenchcoat to be ruined because of his waterworks.

"_Don't do it, Chazz! It's really dangerous! Don't you remember what happened last time you took sleeping pills?"_

No, I don't. How can I remember something if I was SLEEPING?

"_Professor Banner found you as a Mexican hat-dancer in the middle of Peru!"_

Sleep-walking can do strange things to your body…

"_You were married to a can of condensed milk by an Irish priest."_

…was I now? I remembered it to be a bag of carrots.

**Entry Twenty-seven—**

That loser is still bothering me even to this morning. I told him to shove it three times already but apparently he doesn't know how to listen. How dense can somebody GET?

"_Umm…why are you sniffing a sharpie?"_

Because I ran out of whiteout bottles. You got a problem with that?

"_But Jay said it was bad to do drugs!"_

Yeah, and that's coming from a guy who looks like he pumps morphine into his veins every time somebody shouts the word, "DUEL!"

"_What's morphine?"_

Watch some 'Desperate Housewives', you depraved boy.

**Entry Twenty-eight—**

"_Chazz, you look awfully pale recently. Are you sure you're alright?"_

Be quiet, Zane. First it's your brother, and now it's you. Both of you let me abuse my drugs in peace.

**Entry Twenty-nine—**

Oh no. Zane's starting to stalk me in the hallways. Well, his presence is better than his midget brother. At least he has SOME sexiness to him.

But he's not sexy as I am. Because I'm a sex God.

"_Chazz. You have bruises on your arms."_

Stop interrupting my fantasies, Zane.

"_I'm taking you to the nurse. It's for your own good."_

Bite me.

"_If you're not going to let me take you to the nurse, then at least come with me to my room to get you bandaged up."_

Like HELL. The guy next door was winking at me suggestively last time I went to your room.

"_He did no such thing."_

He asked for free lap-dance lessons.

"_Actually, I believe he challenged you to Dance Dance Revolution."_

That game is never done, I tell you, NEVER.

"_You lost."_

He touched my butt and I fell over, ok?

**Entry Thirty—**

"_You cannot have my grilled cheese, dimwit. Go away."_

**Entry Thirty-one—**

Crowler's giving me a strange look. Maybe it's because I'm trying to stuff pencil shavings into Jaden's ear.

"_That hurts, Chazz!"_

I'll show YOU hurt.

**Entry Thirty-two—**

Ooh! Class is finally over and I think I see Alexis walking out. Maybe I can use this opportunity to smooth-talk her into being my girlfriend. Time for the CHAZZ to unleash the charm.

**Entry Thirty-three—**

"_Alexis?"_

"_Yes, Chazz?"_

"_My hands are cold."_

"_And what do you want me to do about it?"_

"_Heat it with your loins."_

"…"

**Entry Thirty-four—**

Jeez. All I asked her to do was to put her private bits into my fingers and she completely BLEW UP ON ME! And maybe a little hanky-panky, but is that really so much to ask for?

**Entry Thirty-five—**

"_If you want your wrists to keep in tact, slacker, then you'll let go of my waist. What part of me being straight DO YOU NOT GET?"_

**Entry Thirty-six—**

Dammit. Jaden's starting to cry. Well, there isn't enough of me to pass out to EVERYBODY, you know!

"…_uh…Chazz. You kicked me in the groin." _

Is that why you're crying?

_"That and you just stepped on my foot."_

You were feeling me!

**Entry Thirty-seven—**

My nose is bleeding. I wonder why.

_"Alexis punched you in the face for debauching Jaden."_

Be quiet, Syrus.


	3. Entries Thirty–eight to Forty–eight

**Entry Thirty-eight—**

Oh-noes, that Chancellor guy called us all down. What does he want now? And just when I was about to finish watching Shusaku Replay 3!

"…_is that porn?"_

It's Jaden. Again. Doesn't he ever leave me alone? Let me see what happens if I actually vocalize my thoughts.

"_Don't you ever leave me alone?"_

He's ignoring me.

"_Is that girl…holy flip!"_

"_Yes, slacker, he put his—"_

"_Chazz!"_

"—_into her—"_

"_Oh my god!"_

"—_and then—"_

"_Stop that!"_

"—_came out of her—"_

"_STOP. NOW. PLEASE."_

Wow. This conversation oddly sounds like a censored rap video. Not that I ever watched one of those, but…yeah…

**Entry Thirty-nine—**

Alright, alright, I'm here. What's so gosh darn important that I actually have to SKIP OUT on watching hot bouncing chicks?

"_My students. Something very terrible is going on at this Academy."_

Bored already.

"_You see. Underneath these very floors lies a terrible and great danger…"_

Just smile and nod. Smile and nod. And stare at Alexis' ass while I'm at it.

**Entry Forty—**

"…_and these Shadow Riders will be going after your Spirit keys so keep them safe, you hear me?"_

Gods, this old guy is really starting to get on my nerves. Will he ever shut up? Just give me the keys and let me go back to watching my porn!

_"But do not fear my students. The worst these Shadow Riders can do is to take your keys if you lose a duel."_

Oh, yeah…real reassuring. Next time just tell us to not worry because the worst those Shadow Riders can do is sneak into our dorms in the dead of night, slit our throats while we're asleep, and rob us of all our valuables including those keys.

"_Chazz, I would appreciate it if you would stop playing with Alexis's skirt."_

The world hates me.

**Entry Forty-one—**

Finally, we get to leave! I'm getting out of this Hell-pit. Wait, damn…the slacker's following me. Again. STOP FOLLOWING ME, JADEN.

"_Hey Chazz, what do you plan on doing after this?"_

"_Taking a shower."_

"_The shower head is broken."_

"_Then I'll get somebody to fix it, ok?" _

"_Like who?"_

"_Aquaman."_

"…"

**Entry Forty-two—**

Darn. He's right, the showerhead IS broken! And I can't get anybody to fix it, not even Aquaman!

"_Has it ever occurred to you that Aquaman controls the sea, not the plumbing?"_

SHUT UP! Don't make me get all Batman on your ass!

"_How do you know about all these Superheroes anyway?"_

No, the right question is how do YOU know about, them, slacker? Huh, huh? I bet you can't get yourself out of THAT one. Not so smart, are you now? I just pawned you, Ja—

"_I read the comics."_

Insert face-fault here.

…

I'm going to eat. Don't follow me.

**Entry Forty-three—**

So what's for lunch anyway? Fish…something that looks like soup…rice…ugh.

"_Is that urine?"_

"_Actually it's today's special, Princeton."_

"…"

That's it. I'm becoming anorexic.

**Entry Forty-four**—

"_Zane."_

"_What is it, Atticus?"_

"_My back feels itchy. Will you scratch it for me?"_

"_Fine."_

Very interesting relationship those two have. Especially at the lunch table. Wait a minute. Why are they at the Slifer cafeteria? Why is Bastion at the Slifer cafeteria? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

"_Zane."_

"_What is it now, Atticus?"_

"_It's too hot here. Can you take off my shirt?"_

"_Alright."_

This is getting weird. Bastion, stop shaking your butt in my face.

"_Zane."_

"_I'm really tired, Atticus. Make this quick, ok?"_

"_That's perfect. Let's jump in your bed together."_

…

Is it just me or has everybody in this school gone gay?

"_Possibly."_

STOP SNEAKING UP ON ME, SLACKER!

**Entry Forty-five—**

"_Will you stop—ow—hitting me—ow—"_

Like Hell.

I HAVE FURY!

**Entry Forty-six—**

"_But—ow—Chazz—"_

**Entry Forty-seven—**

"—_not the—ow—face—"_

Good idea.

_POW. _

Ooh…right in the sucker.

**Entry Forty-eight—**

Syrus spotted me smacking Jaden around. Aww…shoot. Just when I was beginning to have fun! Why does everybody want to ruin my fun?

"_Chazz! Stop hitting Jay!"_

Not happening. This slacker needs to be taught a lesson unless you want to take his place. Wait, no…dammit. Zane's looking in my direction again. Better put up the powder puff act.

"_Oh my lord, Syrus! Are you alright? Is there anything I can get you, dear boy?"_

"_Chazz. What's gotten into you? Are you drunk?"_

WHAT? Pfft, excuse me? I'm trying to be nice here! Oh, when Zane stops looking this way…

"_Have you been abusing Prozac again? You know those things have side-effects!"_

Maybe.


	4. Entries Forty–nine to Fifty–nine

**Entry Forty-nine— **

Another day. Another new beginning. Another hyperventilating Syrus…huh?

"_OMG! LIK, CHazz, JAY'S iN TRouBLE LIK WhOA!"_

'kay. And I should care because…

"_LIk, someBodY atTacKEd him, lik, bad!"_

That's good. I'm getting my work cut out for me.

"_Teh same pERson iZ terROrzing mai oldar bro!"_

Why are you talking like that?

"_SHE IZ TRYIN TA KILL ALEXIS!"_

WHAT.

Syrus. Where is this person? I' m getting out my bazooka.

**Entry Fifty—**

Oh Lords. It's a Mary-sue.

…

RUN. FOR. IT. NOW.

"_Hehehe! LOL, lik, konichiwa chazzy-chan!"_

Twitch. Twitch. My eyes are bleeding. I mean, I like girls with big breasts but even the Chazz Princeton has his limits, you know!

**Entry Fifty-one—**

"…_ano…Chazz-kun, so lik…demo, will u go out wit me, Koi? aishteru! Honto ni!"_

STOP THE FANGIRL JAPANESE, WILL YOU?

"_kawai nek0!" Giggle. Giggle._

God help me…

**Entry Fifty-two—**

We need to get rid of this Mary-sue. Nobody wants to be next to her, let alone touch her so maybe one of us can get a six-foot pole and poke her until she leaves.

"_We are we going to get a six-foot pole?"_

…Jaden. Aren't you supposed to strangled?

"_She let go of my neck after I said you'd go on a date with her."_

…

SAY WHAT.

"_She expects you to be in the front of her room at seven."_

WHY?

"_She also reminded me to tell you to bring some peppermint sticks and a bottle of pink champagne." _

HELL NO. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

"_Didn't you say I had none?"_

…

Go die underneath a rock, Jaden. I mean it.

**Entry Fifty-three—**

Here's how my afternoon schedule looks like:

1:00 to 2:00 – Kick Jaden repeatedly.

2:01 to 4:00 – Work on plan to kill the Sue.

4:01 to 4:30 – Stalk Alexis.

4:31 to 5:00 – Punch Jaden repeatedly.

5:01 to 6:30 – Work on plan some more.

6:31 to 6:50 – Start writing will.

6:51 to 6:57 – Pick out a coffin.

6:58 to 6:59 – Bury self alive.

**Entry Fifty-four—**

1: 25 in the afternoon

"…_will you—OW—stop hurting me—OW—Chazz!"_

**Entry Fifty-five—**

2:24 in the afternoon

I'm only halfway through my 'how-to-kill-the-Sue' plan. Perhaps digging a huge trench in the ground so that she falls into it with plastic spoons acquired from the Slifer cafeteria would work?

Hmm…back to the drawing board.

**Entry Fifty-six—**

4:40 in the afternoon

"_For the—**OW**—love of—**OW**—CHAZZ!"_

Yeah, that's what you get for interrupting my stalking session with Alexis!

"—_but—**OW**—"_

Hold on…I hear somebody calling my name.

"—_I AM—**OW—OW—OW**!"_

Be quiet. I was talking about somebody other than you, slacker. Wait, there is again!

"_Chazz! OH CHAZZ!"_

Shoot. Atticus, shut the God-damn Hell up now.

"_I heard you have a date with a beautiful girl!"_

If you weren't Alexis' brother, I would shove you down the toilet right about now.

"_Aww…don't be so cranky! I just thought you would want to be let in on some tips from the Love Master, he he."_

Not interested. Don't you have to snog Zane or something?

"_Che, if I keep doing that, I'm sure Zane's lips will be swollen to the size of a watermelon!"_

…I am obviously the only sane person in this academy.

**Entry Fifty-seven—**

6:29 in the evening

This is ridiculous. I can't think of anything! My brain is completely dried up!

"_Chazz. There are no such things as man-eating chipmunks…"_

WILL YOU GO AWAY? AND STOP LOOP-HOLING ALL MY PLANS!

"_Fine…fine…"_

Hmph. Stupid Slifer slacker. If I could, I would…

…hey…why just Jaden? Why can't I do that to Miss Mary-sue as well? AH-HA! I've got it! Ingenious!

The Chazz Princeton has final come up with a plan!

**Entry Fifty-eight—**

7:00 in the evening

Ok. I'm here at her door. Hopefully, I won't screw this plan I put so carefully together up.

"_hello, mai Chazzy-wazzy—"_

—_WHAM. WHAM. WHAM. _

_Plop._

That felt good.

Oh, and here comes the Zane. Just in time, Zane, because you just saw the great Chazz Princeton defeat one of the most evil and gruesome monsters known this academy!

"_Chazz, if you were going to resort to such crude methods of destruction, what was the point of locking yourself in your room for three hours straight?"_

Excuse me? I spent three hours inventing this VERY elaborate scheme. It took me FOREVER to come up with such a complicated plan!

"_You hit her with your textbook."_

…what's your point?

**Entry Fifty-nine—**

"_Whew, that's finally over with. Now you know why I was speaking so strangely this morning."_

Oh, was that the reason? I thought you spoke like this every single day, Syrus.

"…_that's really mean, Chazz."_

Do I look like a Mother Teresa to you?


	5. Entries Sixty to Seventy–three

**Entry Sixty—**

I hate like…everybody.

Everybody. And I mean EVERYBODY.

Alexis, as usual, is exempt. She can be my pimp anytime, yo.

**Entry Sixty-one—**

Class with Crowler is finally over. I see Alexis walking out again! I really should avoid her seeing as what happened during our last encounter (her loins were sex though) but I'm just drawn to the babe like a magnet to a refrigerator.

Alright, so I suck at romantic wordplay. Go sue me.

**Entry Sixty-two—**

"_Hey Alexis."_

"…_err…hello."_

"_Leave that loser Jaden and do the horizontal tango with the Chazz."_

"…"

**Entry Sixty-three—**

Ow. My nose is going to be permanently damaged if she keeps punching it.

Now I have class with Banner. Great. Just. Wonderful.

**Entry Sixty-four—**

Damn. Dueling Alchemy is boring. So how many Shadow Duelists has it been? Like six?

Zane's new boyfriend, that Vampire chick, the Scorpion losers (which _the Chazz_ pawned), the sucky mummy dude, the masked guy who attempted to rape Alexis and the Amazoness Bastion still has wet dreams about. Now, who's left?

Banner is staring at me.

…

STOP STARING AT ME YOU EYELESS FREAK.

"_Rawr!" _

_Scratch. Scratch. Claw._

OWWW.

**Entry Sixty-five—**

Stupid cat! I bet Banner let Pharaoh loose on me on purpose, that bastard!

**Entry Sixty-six—**

"_Princeton, why do you have scratch marks on your face?"_

I'LL SCRATCH YOUR FACE, BASTION.

"_And you have veins popping from your forehead…"_

I'LL POP YOUR VEINS, SYRUS.

"_Hey Chazz! Do you want to come with me to buy some new booster packs?"_

I'LL BOOSTER YOUR PACK, JADEN.

**Entry Sixty-seven—**

"_So, is Chazz ok?"_

"_I don't think so. He's obviously delirious."_

Midget four-eyes. Ra scum. Stop talking behind my back while I'm in pure agony.

"_Why do you guys ask that?"_

That goes for you too, slacker!

"…"

"…"

"_He's perfectly normal AND he's been entertaining me with oddly threatening humor."_

Jaden. I hate you. With passion.

**Entry Sixty-eight—**

Roffle. Lmao. Omg. L33R. Ttyl. Brb.

…

Damn, net-speak is boring. I don't know how people can write like this without losing a Hell lot of brain cells in the process.

"_Will you stop playing with my PDA?"_

No, Chumley, I will not. Let me see if I can download pr0n on this.

"_You can't."_

Did you ever try?

"…"

Now you're getting it.

**Entry Sixty-nine—**

Class is over. Followed by another class. Yey.

I'm bored out of my mind. I hate everybody. The world is against me. Society wants my dead body. Alexis should stop wearing a bra.

…

As I said, BORED OUT OF MY MIND.

**Entry Seventy—**

Ok, that's it. I'm going to start cutting myself. And take more drugs. And smoke pot. And do all the crap you see on 'Bad Boys'. Alright, here is goes…I'm going to cut my forearm with this really, really sharp scissor…

…ow! OW!

Darn, I don't like knifes. They HURT like whoa. Ugh, stupid scissors. Scissor shouldn't be made to HURT!

Ignore the stupidity of the entire suggestion. I'm not in the sane mind.

**Entry Seventy-one—**

"_Syrus. Do you have one of plastic Crayola scissors? You know the ones that you buy at CVS for three bucks a pack?"_

"…_Chazz. I am now fully convinced you're on Prozac."_

WHY YOU LITTLE BRAT…meh…here comes Jaden. He's looking awfully bouncy.

**Entry Seventy-two—**

"_Chazz…is that you? You look different! What's wrong?"_

Go away, slacker. Less talking, more leaving.

"_You can't keep it from me, Chazz. There's obviously something troubling you. DO NOT HIDE YOUR EMOTIONS FROM ME!" _

What—ack! Let go of my neck, you Slifer freak!

"_LET YOUR FEELINGS BE FREE AND SOAR LIKE A BIRD!"_

…I…can't breathe…

"_IT'S ALRIGHT. I AM HERE FOR YOU—ow!" _

_Slap._

GET AWAY. Jaden, you touch me **again** and I'll slit your throat and stuff your body into the school's septic tank. And I'll steal your cards too. And bleach your room pink.

"_But you're staying in my room for the next three days."_

…did I mention that I hated you recently?

**Entry Seventy-three—**

"_Princeton. Just to tell you, we don't have a septic tank. All the garbage is incinerated."_

Bastion was listening to us, wasn't he?

"_Everybody was listening. You were quite loud."_

Pfft, whatever.

"_Crowler wants to assign you detention again."_

Let him try to punish me.

"_Syrus says you're on crack."_

Don't care.

"_Zane wants to know what type of cologne you use."_

He's a loser.

"_Alexis thinks you and Jaden are gay."_

…WHAT?


	6. Entries Seventy–four to Eighty–nine

**Entry Seventy-four— **

I exist. And it's kind of depressing. Everybody academy thinks I'm gay and Crowler suddenly wants to spend 'quality time' together. It makes you wonder if there's a connection between the two…

"_Hello, Princeton. Don't worry; I ignored whatever ridiculous rumors spreading through the hallways."_

Good. Otherwise I'd have to choka'bitch.

"_Choka'bitch? What is this term you use? Do you mean 'artichoke' by any chance?"_

And they call you the genius of the academy. Bastion, sorry to break it to you, but you have the brain capacity of a gerbil and it's **SAD**, you beanpole ho.

"_Did you just call me a gardening tool?"_

_"…" _

**Entry Seventy-five— **

Give me a moment. I must apply my head to this wall.

**Entry Seventy-six— **

"_Chazz, you're speaking nonsense again."_

It may be nonsense to you, but THEY THOUGHT MEIN KAMPF WAS NONSENSE TOO UNTIL HITLER DESTROYED THE REPUBLIC.

"_Actually, I think it was Darth Vader who tried to do that."_

Shut up and let me cry in this corner.

**Entry Seventy-seven— **

"_Chazz, Jay's angry at you. He woke up this morning and found out that he's missing his two front teeth. Now every time he says something, I think he's talking about virgin margaritas and Russian teacakes!"_

He said the word 'virgin' at 8 in the morning? What a pervert. Whatever, I'll hire an orthodontist to glue his buckteeth back in. Now get out of my sight, Syrus.

"…_do I really want to know?"_

How I did your mom? Only if the idea that I might be your bona fide father scares you.

**Entry Seventy-eight— **

Luke! I am your father!

"_Chazz!"_

What?

**Entry Seventy-nine— **

Oooh…I see an Alexis! And her dorky friends too! You go bye-bye, Syrus. There's no way she's seeing me with the likes of you.

"_Hey, what, ow! That hurts!"_

I'll show you hurt.

_KICK._

"_OWW!"_

**Entry Eighty— **

"_So then, so then Atticus said to me, 'BFF as in best friends forever!' and then he SMILED at me!"_

"_Oh, really?"_

"_Yeah, really!"_

"_OH, REALLY?"_

"_YEAH, REALLY!"_

"**_NO WAY—ow!"_ **

Put a sock in it you two goddamned preppy girls with ugly haircuts that conveniently happen to be Alexis's dorky friends! Go screw yourself in front of your widdle momma's cooking book!

_"Uh…what did you say?" _

Shit.

**Entry Eighty-one— **

Note to self: Stop vocalizing private thoughts.

**Entry Eighty-two— **

ALRIGHT! I'M SORRY, I'M SORR—JESUS!

OWWW.

YOU SLAP LIKE A FISH, WOMAN.

**Entry Eighty-three— **

Note to self #2: Remember to buy protective armor from Models. And if that doesn't work, ask Jagger to borrow his spaghetti strainer and wear it as a helmet whenever Jasmine and Mindy are around the sexy Alexis.

**Entry Eighty-four— **

OW.

OW.

OWWW.

…

ALRIGHT, I GET IT. YOU DON'T SLAP LIKE A FISH.

**Entry Eighty-five— **

"_You deserved every moment of it, Chazz! How dare you call us a pair of water mammals?" _

SHUT UP, MINDY. YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BRAINS TO FILL AN EGGCUP.

"_Don't talk to my best friend like that! Take this!"_

…OWW! JESUS CHRIST! NOT YOU TOO, JASMINE!

**Entry Eighty-six— **

A FISH IS NOT A MAMMAL, YOU SAD PERSON.

**Entry Eighty-seven— **

"…_Chazz, are you alright?"_

Mutter. Grumble. Mutter.

"_Chazz? Talk to me, what's wrong with you…"_

Grumble. Grumble. Grumble.

"A_nd why is your left eye black? Answer me, Chazz!"_

Jaden, I have to tell you as a friend that eyeliner looks bad on you. Only Zane can pull of the J-rock metro sexiness.

"_Hmm. Atticus made me wear this weird stuff. Have you seen Alexis anywhere? Atticus said I'm supposed to have this 'date' thing with her."_

…

The words, 'Hit head here' just appeared on the wall. Let me comply with these hallucinations.

**Entry Eighty-eight— **

"_What's a 'date' anyway? I feel like a calendar now!"_

You're making the Chazz very, very sad right now. Very sad. Please do not make the Chazz sad. Sad is bad.

**Entry Eighty-nine— **

What? No, of course tobacco is not for wackos (what kind of idiot came up with that idea?) but _sad is bad._

Agree with the Chazz or live guilty being wrong, dammit!


	7. Entries Ninety to One Hundred Seven

**Entry Ninety— **

Hey, hey, Crowler? Now that you're chancellor of the academy, are pink frills part of the uniform requirement as well? Do we have to take money out of our budget to buy purple lipstick? What about our hair? Must we dye it blond and wear it in a rat's ass ponytail?

**Entry Ninety-one— **

Aster Phoenix, it's great that that you're a big shot world league duelist and all but the real question is what is up with that fake surfer accent? Only Atticus the chick-magnet can pull of the accent…and you dear child, are just not Atticus Rhodes.

**Entry Ninety-two— **

What the? How can Aster have the nerve to pull out a cellphone during the middle of a duel? You see, Syrus! I'm nothing like this albino freak at all!

...I bet that orange cell phone of his is hooked up to T-mobile. Ha!

F'LOON.

**Entry Ninety-three— **

I'm going to be dueling a freshman called Reginald van Howell the Third. Just look at his eyelashes.

Snort. Giggle. Chortle.

**Entry Ninety-four— **

"_Bonjour! I'm sure by now you all know moi_. _For those who don't, I'm your Vice Chancellor—Jean-Louis Bonaparte. But enough about me…this is about him!_"

Please lower that blasted microphone, Vice Chancellor John Loony Bona Pita or Pina Colada or whatever your name is and stop looking in my direction. You're making me deaf with your voice and making me blind with your face.

**Entry Ninety-five— **

So midget what's-his-name summons Marauding Captain (pfft, how many people don't have that lame-o monster in their deck? Originality would be nice, please) and Warrior Lady of the Wasteland.

AH HA! I told you he's a militaristic sex fiend!

What do you mean I'm wrong? Just look at that Warrior Lady! You call her clothing suitable for kids' virgin eyes?

**Entry Ninety-six— **

I own. Just look at my XYZ polymers which I summoned on my _first turn_! I bet Seto Kaiba could never pull of this on his _first turn_. He probably can't handle my mad skills either.

"_Dragon Cannon! Direct attack_!"

Oooh. Smoke! Image of burning Reggie midget flashing through head.

…

This is fun.

**Entry Ninety-seven— **

4,000? Shit, shit, shit. Did I mention shit?

Not fun anymore.

**Entry Ninety-eight— **

_"Check this out. It's time for Gilford the Legend to REALLY strut his stuff!"_

Listen up, Reggie.

I understand that I am a cocky, selfish jerk with the ego the size of an elephant. I understand that I don't have a particularly likable personality and that I am extremely arrogant even though I'm a Slifer Red student. Yet, despite all the flaws, I am still a mature and responsible person who actually DOES have sensitivity for people's feelings and guilt when he does things wrong. I am actually _very _insightful and _very _profound and utterly **sensitive** and **mature **in every way possible.

This being said, I have only a single opinion on your Gilford the Legend.

…

That sword?

Yeah, it looks like a penis.

**Entry Ninety-nine— **

"Y_ou have the sensitivity of a teaspoon, Chazz-ball." _

Well it's back to the psychology university, I presume. Or maybe rehab.

**Entry One Hundred— **

"_You're pathetic! Your entire deck is built around the three stooges! My Gliford the Legend will wipe the floor with you!"_

Oh yeah? Well, I'll beat that immorally suggestively libido-promoting sword that monster is wielding with Ojama Delta Hurricane!

SIC 'EM MY OJAMAS!

**Entry One Hundred One— **

If this keeps up, we'll run our own day-time reality show.

**Entry One Hundred Two— **

You see? I just PAWNED. My Ojamamachine Yellows trounced your life points!

Alright, time for some monologue. It doesn't matter about the uniform...blah, blah...what's important is who you really are...the color of the clothing you wear doesn't matter...monologue, monologue, bore, monologue...finished.

Now it's time to Chazz it...HOLY F—!

_"Way to win one for the reds, Chazz!"_

**Entry One Hundred Three— **

Don't get an INCH closer, Jaden! I asked for no damned hug!

**Entry One Hundred Four— **

CROWLER!

…uh, Matt, Jeffery…or was it Albert? I mean—BONAPARTE!

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN I'M STILL IN SLIFER RED? THIS IS BLASPHEMY, I TELL YOU, BLASPHEMY!

**Entry One Hundred Five— **

Well now that absolutely appalling duel (that didn't get me into Obelisk Blue; I swear that scum was lying to me!) is over, I can finally relax and watch Aster and Zane get it on…?

I meant in a duel, you pervert. They're dueling in the pro-leagues.

"_Well, it seems like it's the Zaniacs against the Aster Pheo-natics_."

Zaniacs…giggle…Pheo-natics…chuckle…wait a minute. HEY.

How come I don't have that many fangirls?

**Entry One Hundred Six— **

Oh. Em. Gee. Le gasp!

ZANE JUST GOT SCHOOLED BY ASTER.

Quick, Hassleberry, give me your fingernails so I can bite them like a little schoolgirl!

**Entry One Hundred Seven— **

But seriously, I mean just look at the circumstances. Of course the Curtain of Silver Terror can beat Spiky Aquamarine Urchin Man with his fancy-ass elemental heroes!

"…_I dunno, Chazz. That's not really the smartest thing to say. I mean if Aster managed to beat my big bro with elemental heroes and Jay beat you twice with elemental heroes, then Aster can beat you too!" _

…

…

…

…

…

**OHNOYOUDIDN'TJUSTBRINGTHATUP. **


	8. Entries One Hundred Twenty–three to End

**Entry One Hundred Eight— **

The next couple of entries don't concern me. They concern the adventures of GETYOURGAMEON BOY© against CAPTAIN DESTINY©…oh Jesus, WHAT? _Angst? _Whaddya mean_ angst? _What is this, a soap opera?

**Entry One Hundred Nine— **

Ok, ok, sarcasm aside, here's the basic gist of what happened:

Aster Phoenix wasn't happy with his total pwnage over Zane so he challenged Jaden to a l337 duel between heroes and after revealing his ultra!lame destiny heroes and his omfgz0r!tragic past, he roxorz Jaden's boxorz and said boy in subject gets all emo on us 'cause Jaden is teh St00p1d. Alexis was also totally HAWT in her duel against love master Atticus, lololololol.

Pink was a manly color. And bathroom robes were the latest fashion.

Bro bro equals NO NO!

**Entry One Hundred Ten— **

So I'm writing in Leetness speakage. It's only because Jaden's problems are so conventional they bore me. It's not that I enjoy seeing Jaden in pain or anything, (Why, that poor boy in pain is like Alexis pole-dancing in a G-string!) it's just I'm annoyed at all the attention he's getting! Why does everybody's lives have to be so centered around that slacker?

Hoo-hoo. There he is. Moping. On a cliff. I'm going to try being nice for once and cheer him up.

**Entry One Hundred Twelve— **

_Well_. That didn't work out to plan. Gods, I'm an idiot! What was I thinking saying 'Get your game on'? I'm becoming soft! I'm becoming mushy! I'm becoming…

ZOMFG.

_…Jadensexual_.

Insert girly scream here!

**Entry One Hundred Thirteen— **

"_We were right after all! You're just sad because you care about Jaden_!"

LEAVE ME ALONE, OJAMA BREATHS.

Wait. My creepy-villain-with-ugly-haircut dar tingles.

**Entry One Hundred Fourteen— **

Alright. Who called in Dracula? This guy's wacky appearance deserves the cuckoo-cuckoo spinny motion around my ear thing.

"_I am known as Sartorius. I have traveled quite a ways to meet you_."

Congratulations to you. Want a medal for that?

**Entry One Hundred Fifteen— **

"_I have an idea. Let's duel_."

I have an idea. Let's not.

**Entry One Hundred Sixteen— **

So why am I dueling you again?

"_Because you wish to discover your true self and erase all the darkness that lurks within the depths of your soul." _

Um, say what?

"_You can be the pullout in the next Playgirl issue._"

Hehe, now you're speaking my language. Come on, freakazoid…let's dance.

_"Imbecile…"_

I heard that!

**Entry One Hundred Seventeen— **

"_Armed Dragon LV10! Attack him directly with Static Orb Thrust_!"

Aww yeah. Teh Chazz is teh win! I wanna roffle you for running a Viking-like raid towards me where you're not even looking at your cards. You suxxor.

"_Do all youngsters talk in an irritating net speak?" _

Oops, I forgot to write that on my forehead this morning. Oh well, better luck next time.

**Entry One Hundred Eighteen— **

Bad. Bad. Bad.

"_Right side up or upside down_? _Chose wisely, Mr. Princeton." _

Great. A game of luck. The hundred consecutive losses to Jagger in blackjack don't boost my confidence, needless to say.

**Entry One Hundred Nineteen— **

"_Join me and stand by my side! Together you and I will walk into the light! You've come so close, you can't turn back now! Finish what you've begun! Don't you want to be strong? To conquer your greatest fears? To conquer **Jaden**? It's all within your grasp!_"

Jesus, you're making it sound like my secret ambition in life is to be a male dominatrix. I don't want to 'conquer' Jaden, thanks for the suggestive thoughts. I just want to tear out his spinal cord and strangle him with it after pouring poison over his skin so he'll rip out his bare flesh with his own bloodied hands.

"_You are a violent boy, Mr. Princeton_."

And you're a freakshow with half a dick for hair. We're even.

**Entry One Twenty— **

"_Join me_."

No.

_"Join me._"

No.

_"Join me_."

No.

_"…you're oddly resistant to this method_."

**Entry One Hundred Twenty-One— **

"_Your two sides of your soul are struggling for control. Each one of us has two faces: One that's dark…and one can see the light! Embrace the light within! Come on! You're close!"_

I swear that my 'pointless drivel' buffer will overflow very shortly.

"_You can defeat Jaden with my help!"_

You've just offered to bomb the holy hell out of Jaden for me. Hmm. How about no? The Chazz does shit alone and believe you me, Mr. Tall, Mean, and Gruesome, once I bomb the holy hell out of you I never want to see your ugly face on academy grounds again! So stay away from me after this! Away! Finite! Estrangement! Divide! Separation! Long-distance! Splitsville—

"_I heard Alexis likes guys in white_."

—WHAT? How do you even **know** Alexis? You stalker!

"_I'm no stalker, Mr. Princeton. Alexis is currently dating one of my clients. Do you know a duelist named Aster Phoenix?_"

WHAT? ALEXIS IS DATING THAT SCUMBAG? NO WAY. _NO. WAY_. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

"_I told you she likes guys in white_."

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

"_No, I'm just reading what the script says_."

_"…" _

"_Now will you join me_?"

_"…" _

_"You can pose naked to fangirls nationwide."_

Fine.

**Entry One Hundred Twenty-Two— **

I HAVE WOKEN UP. I HAVE OPENED MY EYES. I AM REBORN. I AM NEW. I'VE SEEN THE LIGHT...THE SOCIETY OF LIGHT.

_BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

**Entry One Hundred Twenty-Three— **

Now about that pullout...

**Sequel— **

So then the Chazz joins the Society of Light, and forgets everything including the fact he has a diary tucked in a tree hollow because Sartorius's brainwashing powers leave an unfilled plothole for squirrels to fall into. This would be the end to the diary series if one Cyberdark duelist didn't stumble upon it sometime after Duel Academy was transported to the desert. Deciding that Chazz Princeton: Ramblings of a Suicidal Emo-Goth didn't suit his fancy, he promptly erased the former title and racked his mind for a new, more fitting one. Below are the fruits of his title-naming efforts...

Zane Truesdale: Interesting as paste in the first season; interesting as paste spilled in black ink in the second season; interesting as—oh wait, he's dead.

Zane Truesdale: Ramblings of a Paste-monster

Zane Truesdale: Would be married to Alexis if she wasn't currently dead

Zane Truesdale: Would be married to Alexis if they both weren't currently dead

Zane Truesdale: Would be married to Alexis if they actually had any screen time together in the past 75 episodes 

Zane Truesdale: dead from coke

Zane Truesdale: dead from cocaine 

Zane Truesdale: Not actually dead. Has gone to the shadow realm. Rly. 

Zane Truesdale: So not inbreeding with his own brother

Zane Truesdale: So not having non-consensual mansex with his manager named after the One Piece protagonist

Zane Truesdale: Suffers from a dark knight templar going through a redemption syndrome 

Zane Truesdale: Welcome to hell. Population: Us.

Zane Truesdale: Would be named Hell Kaiser if 4kids didn't prohibit references to Russian tyranny 

Zane Truesdale: Has Aster Phoenix as his legal proxy if 4kids censors his cardiac arrest

Zane Truesdale: Because he's a juggernaut, bitch!

...he has yet to come up with a title.


End file.
